


depressed tied in gift wrap

by gotobed



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Death, Mental Health Issues, Sad, Suicide, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23874940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotobed/pseuds/gotobed
Summary: alex is depressed and borderline suicidal, although he doesn't want to admit ittitle from blonde by waterparksTW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideologies, suicide in general. do not read if this is a triggering topic for yousuicide is not a joke, please reach out if you're strugglingor once again i put alex in my mental mindset and kill him because i don't wanna be here
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	depressed tied in gift wrap

alex was exhausted, which was a bit weird for a 21 year old who’d just slept 15 hours and woken up at 1pm. but he was so so tired. so he shut his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, but apparently he’d slept enough. so in true depressed fashion he just laid there.

he wanted to die, not in a violently “im going to kill myself” more in a “i wish i’d get hit by a car” or “it wouldn’t bother me if i fell and hit my head and bled out” but he wasn’t going to actively seek out ways to kill himself. atleast that’s what he told himself.

it was 11pm when alex was sat on the floor of his room, all his usual distraction methods exhausted and nothing left to do. he’d weighed himself just earlier, 114lbs, 52kg, flat. he knew that the toxicity level of paracetamol and he knew how many he’d have to take. but he wouldn’t do it. because he wasn’t that kinda person. that’s what he kept telling himself, he definitely wouldn’t

you see the biggest problem was that alex didn’t think he should feel like this. he had a job that he loved that didn’t even feel like a job, he had a family that loved him and lots of friends. so he shouldn’t feel like this. and thats why he didn’t reach out.

alex got up and got dressed for the first time in a couple days, but it was to film and to go buy some stuff. he put on a big smile on camera, showing everyone he’s fine, he’s still himself, maybe he’s trying to prove it to himself, maybe he’s just depressed tied in gift wrap.

alex started to edit his video before he decided he needed a break. he didn’t get very far but then again he didnt really expect that he would. he was a chronic procrastinator, wouldn’t do things until he got the push that they absolutely needed to be done. so he got up and went to tesco. 

he wandered through the aisles nearly aimlessly, fingers brushing over the products, dancing like a ghost, like he felt, on the edge of life and death. it would be so so easy to just commit to it. he wouldn’t have to return that phone call, wouldn’t have to edit that video, wouldn’t have to deal with a single problem or anxiety in his life ever again.

but his friends would be sad, and thats what had stopped alex from doing it. as he stopped in the pharmaceuticals aisle he realised, his friends hadn’t checked up on him in the last few weeks, maybe they didn’t care about him as much as he thought. maybe his friends weren’t actually his friends. and thats all that it took for him to buy three packets of paracetamol.

when he was home he regretted it though, as george greeted him with a smile, he’d just hit 4 million followers and alex was too caught up in his head to realise it. so he congratulated him, pats on his back, soft smiles and words of encouragement. and so once again it was solidified.

he filmed a video, now alex had two videos, ready to be edited, so he started on this massive project, his last project. after finishing his first video he wrote a note and left it on his desk, he downed all the pills, way further than the toxicity level, well enough for him to not make it through.

when he was nearly finished the second, and his last, video, he felt everything kicking in, an immense pain in his abdomen that made him want to cry out, it hurt so bad but he needed it to work, so he uploaded the first video and sent out a tweet, his last words.

“god, i wish i had more to say on the matter”

alex was unconscious by the time the video had been uploaded and george came in after watching it, “hey mate, your video’s fucking sick but you look-“ george spotted him, at his desk, a piece of paper, an empty bottle of vodka and a ton of empty paracetamol packets around him.  
“holy shit” george dialled 911, explaining that his roommate tried to commit suicide, he didn’t know when alex had taken them, he didn’t know he was planning this, god he didn’t even know he wasn’t doing well.

george called will in tears, will didn’t know what was going on so when george uttered two words his heart broke  
“alex died”  
“he WHAT” will said, thinking it was a prank, hoping to hear alex’s voice on the otherside of the phone telling him theyre filming and it’s a joke, but it never came. it was just georges cries and nothing else, so he hung up. he felt bad, he couldn’t be there for george, he had to process it. but right at that moment george texted him. will didn’t want to unlock his phone, he wanted to live in the denial that the text was gonna say “got you” or something along those lines but he couldn’t kid himself forever. so he unlocked it and it was a location, a hospital, so will went, which he regrets doing.

upon arriving he was handed a piece of paper by george.  
“they proclaimed him dead when they arrived, they couldn’t pump his stomach, they couldn’t give him activated charcoal, they couldn’t save him in time” george broke out into sobs, a strangled cry, isolated, bouncing off the crisp walls of the hospital.

two months had passed and nothing had gotten much better, alex’s final video had been uploaded and they’d broken the news to the fans. george and will and james and fraser were taking a break from youtube for a bit. and will, he still hadn’t read the note.

hey,  
if this has gotten into your hand it means i’m dead, and for that i’m sorry. i know i probably don’t seem it because i’m dead and still and i can’t talk to you. but i just want none of you to blame yourselves. i hope you find closure with this note and i hope you don’t mourn me for too long. everyone wants to be immortalised, whether it be in peoples memories or via the internet, but i just want to disappear. if there was one thing i could choice to do it would be to erase every memory of me ever.  
you don’t deserve this but i had to do it, don’t ask me why because honestly, i’m not 100% sure myself but what i do know is that you couldn’t have saved me. so please, continue without me.  
keep doing what you love, don’t let me stop you from that, it’s the last thing i want.  
(i don’t know how to end this)  
alex

will didn’t find closure in the note, he went one, two, three more months with no videos. george had started back up and so had james, he had to do it at some point, he just didn’t know how. so he made a video on awareness and prevention

“right, hell” he started in a mellower tone than usual. will went to talk about the death of his mate and how it’d had affected him, urging his fans to please please reach out if they felt that way, that someone was rooting for them even if they didn’t think so. he gave some suicide hotlines at the end and finished with alex’s last words, although altered  
“god, i wish i had less to say on the matter”


End file.
